I’ve been googling symptoms of seasonal depression, perimenopause and mild bipolar disorder. Theoretically, anything can fit. I wanted to cry at the end of the day, but thankfully the day was Tuesday and dance class. Nowadays, I like walking late at night with loud music in my earphones, especially in Saint-Bruno, where streets empty after 7pm and the crime rate is minimal. I like when people like my social media posts, I love it when they read the same books or love the same movies – I need resonance like I need air. I need one close relationship, someone I can tell stuff to, who’s not across the ocean or unavailable except once a month. I realised today that I work very hard in my relationships. I have to speak a language others understand, which is always their language. I have yo work hard to explain myself, make myself accessible and non-threatening. I want a relationship in which I am not constantly reducing myself to the simplest and most accessible version of myself. This may be the first time of my life I find myself bereft of such relationship, of honest and deep connection with someone. Friend, colleague, mentor, lover – anyone. I am suffocating in the lack of connection. So, with many wishes I am sending out to the universe, here is one selfish wish – I need someone physically and emotionally close, someone here and now.