I am trying to compassionately inquire why I feel so bad on the office days. Although I have to admit, it’s getting better, I am now able to go through a day in the office without too much damage to myself or others. Strangely, the only thing I like about my office days is the first part of my morning commute. It is such a versatile time: I mostly read, sometimes write, sometimes think or just stare out of bus window. I also like the last part of the day, the coming home to familiar trees, dogs and faces. I dislike the city, I dislike the stress and urgency of being on a schedule and above all I dislike myself the way I am or try to be in the office. I dislike the insincerity, the insecurity, the constant feeling that I am too much or not enough, that I do not belong. This never goes away. The only time I feel well in the office is the times when I moderate conversations and hold space. Then I can relax, because I know that in trying to hold a safe space for others I myself am safe.