I overdid physical exercise today – something I haven’t anticipated, at least not with swimming. Around three pm, just as the brief episode of scorching heat ended with the arrival of have clouds, I suddenly felt deeply physically tired. I dragged this tiredness for the rest of the day, as I was watching my children on the playground, collected scattered toys and objects around the living room, made myself a rare second mug of coffee, went to walk outside with Gabor Maté’s book in my ears and played a card game with kids before sending them to bed. It was while playing cards that I realised how the rarely I felt tired this summer and by contrast how “normal” the feeling was for me before. It was so normal, that I repeated my two favourite phrases: “I’m so tired” and “I don’t have time” almost impulsively, without thinking. Tonight, I am grateful for being tired from the water, the physical effort, from the heat and humidity, from being outside, not from the emotional drama and mental load.

As I was walking today, I realised, looking at the trees, that I can no longer see them as simple objects. I see them as individuals, complete with their stories and memories. Similarly, I no longer simply endure the weather (although I am still not a fan of the heat). It is no longer something external, happening to me. I see myself as a part of the process and it makes everything better. And I wonder if this is what it means to have agency, this putting myself in the equation. If I was speaking about the weather, or nature walks or tiredness in a holophrastic language like Mohawk, the weather would be a verb complete with a subject and an object. There would be no way to describe it in neutral terms, to exclude myself from the process. In everything that is happening, I have choices, I am active, I exchange energy with the world, I occupy space and leave my footprint in the universe.