The hot spell broke and the weather went right down into high tens, bringing me back to live and in semi-productive mood. I was the only person in the pool for most of my swim today, feeling almost guilty about it, as if being the only person in the pool is somehow selfish and privileged. Or maybe I just felt self-conscious of being alone in the pool, while three lifeguards had to stay around and watch me in case something happens. I am getting better at naming and facing this recurring feeling that good things, like swimming on a weekday, taking time for myself, going to therapy, eating out are not meant for me. I can pinpoint one particular memory related to this feeling: I was in my early teens and we just started having foreign ads on TV – the first ones were for chocolate bars: Mars, Snickers and Bounty (there were also Skittles and Coca-Cola and Pepsi ones). I especially remember the Bounty one – it was beautiful, with unnaturally blue sky, palm trees, fine sand and a woman in a very white sarong who was eating a Bounty chocolate. I remember the feeling I had watching this ad over and over, the feeling of how inaccessible, impossible the experience of eating that chocolate bar (that is, let’s admit it, not so good) was to me.

As I was taking a short walk today, I saw a black cat with white paws crossing the boulevard. From a distance, he looked exactly like Echo, the same heavy-set frame and mostly black fur with some glimpses of white. I caught my breath. I know it cannot be Echo, but in a way, at that very moment, I would have preferred to believe that it was his ghost than another cat.