I was unwell this week. It wasn’t a feeling I could easily describe or make sense of, just a general feeling of being ill at ease, inattentive, a desire to flee from my body and mental exhaustion. As for the reasons, it could be “just” hormones, or something deeper. As for the symptoms, it manifested itself, as usual, with obsessive scrolling, inability to concentrate on simplest tasks, exhaustion and obsessive feelings about separation. Inability to feel pleasure even from the things that usually give me pleasure: music, birds, walking, books.

During last therapy session, Maya said that space is my medicine. I’m thinking about it, not obsessively, but often enough. Even if she hadn’t said it, even if I hadn’t been thinking about it, spending Friday morning in the forest would have always been my first choice. Blessed be the one who invented summer time and arranged the planets so I can take my Fridays off in the summer. This was the best medicine. The space, the soft damp earth, the light bouncing off green leaves, the songs of red-eyed vireos and eastern wood-peewees, the proximity of the water, the smell of the lake that reminded me one particular childhood memory: me and mama vacationing near Kozynka. Was it with tyotya Sveta or tyotya Valya, or maybe with each one of them on a separate occasion? They have both passed and I hope that their spirits are in peace.

I stopped by the Birch lake for a quick rest. I wish I could call it a meditation, but this would be pretentious. I sat cross-legged on the warm wood of a small pier. I looked at the water and its constant shimmering and wrinkling of the surface. I tried not to interpret, ask questions or draw conclusions. Just look at the water. The I looked at the little water gliders, elegant. The I looked at the small fishes just beneath the surface. Then I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. When I opened them again, I didn’t feel tired anymore. I felt lightness and clarity that remained with me for the rest of the day. I felt good I still feel good. Whole and rested.