Today I spent five-and-half hours, almost an entire working day, except an unpleasant meeting, writing nine emails. Presented out of context, this may seem like a summum of inefficiency, borderline cheating my employer out of their money. But here is the catch: in the end of this day I feel happy, fulfilled, energised and productive. I have spent five hours writing to the organizations what we loved about them, suggesting what they could do to improve future funding applications and outlining our future relationship. I feel that I have invested my time and effort into building a supportive and transparent relationship. Something that I would call love. I freak people out when I speak about love in professional context and I love doing it. « Tu t’es vraiment donnée, » said Solveille, seeing the result. I love this expression. In English, you’d say « you gave it your all », but in French it’s « you gave yourself ». Sometimes (not this time, I don’t think) people say it to me implying that I am too much (I admit I am), that some distance would be healthy (they are probably right). But the thing is, something I wouldn’t admit for the fear of sounding hedonistic and hedonistic would be considered unprofessional, the thing is that giving myself gives me pleasure.

Having come to this conclusion, I start wondering why I am so much bolder, stronger and so much more empowered to seek this kind of pleasure in my work, as opposed to my personal relationships, friendly or intimate. Is it part of my religious trauma? Is it the echoes of the conditioning I received at my first job at the Christian organization, the saviourism from which I never healed? And what would it feel like to apply this kind of focus, boldness, intelligence and expansive thinking to pursuing love, commitment, intimacy and personal fulfilment?