I do not know how I am going to survive today.

It is barely 8am and I am already crying. I am watching a groundhog trying to cross the road, but the traffic is too dense and the energy of it feels violent and uncaring. I scream to her (silently, in my head) don’t! You won’t make it. It seems that she hears me and retreats, but then comes back to her crossing point. Don’t don’t don’t don’t. I feel related to her. I feel related to the dying world. To the critters suffocated by the asphalt. To the creatures not finding their home that’s been turned into condominiums. I feel that sadness is going to crush me.

Worst of all, I do not know how to spend my day around people who don’t feel sadness, who don’t understand it. I’m bad at putting on armour, I’m good at vulnerability, but there are days when vulnerability is the worst possible choice. If there is a third option, I need to find it. What can you be, if you can’t afford to be vulnerable and don’t have the privilege of emotional detachment ?

For now, I am trying to breathe. Breathing is good. Inhale on four, hold on four, exhale on four, hold on four, repeat. The tears are inside me, very close to the surface. I am back again in that same damn place, feeling too much, saying nothing.