Mama, I have something for you !

It’s a very detailed picture of him, his friend and Echo, our late cat.

Who is this? I ask, pointing to the tall figure, expecting him to say it’s you, mommy!

Instead, he replies, it’s a statue.

So, I am not in the picture. Apparently, I left. It’s a very good picture, although I am not in it.

It was a good day too, an eventful and successful day by all measure, but I feel spent, unmoored and extremely vulnerable. I feel like parts of my life don’t sync. I feel lonely and longing for connection. I feel like some parts of the conversation are always left unsaid. I feel like I’m not enough and I will never be enough.

Louise asked last week what is worse, the pain of change, or the pain of status quo. Honestly, I do not know how to answer. The problem is that the change is unknown, and the status quo is not all bad either. There are good moments, bright conversations, sunsets, cardinals and a dance class. The problem is, I don’t know what I will choose and I desperately want someone else to do this work for me. But there is no one else, not at the moment.