My fast and furious week is thankfully coming to an end. I went for my first run of the year on MountBruno.

I read the Exvangelicals by Sarah McCummon. Reading this book for me is like peeling and scratching the scabs on a deep wound. It feels almost cathartic to read all those names that defined my adolescence and deluded me for so long, hearing them to be called out for who they are: Josh McDowell, Tim LaHaye, Joshua Harriss, The 700 Club, Superbook, creationist workshops, campus crusades. At some point, Sarah discusses how some of her exvangelical friends feel that they’ve been held back by decades because of their church upbringing. This is exactly how I’ve felt for years. I feel that I lost those 10+ years, that I was robbed of a chance to build friendships without the pressure of prozelitizing, to engage in intellectual life without the narrow and bigoted evangelical lens, to learn about relationships and sex without shame (your fault, Joshua Harriss!) Yes, evangelical movement gave me support after my father’s accident, it gave me friends and some truly exhilarating experiences, but mainly it has robbed me of an opportunity to explore, engage with the world to freely choose who I want to be and how. This is not something I will ever get back, but at least now I can face my trauma and hopefully one day heal.