It was one of those days when I almost cried from the sense of loneliness, misunderstanding and disconnect. I’m getting better at recognising those events as they happen and not giving in to them, at least not completely. But whatever the reason, be it hormonal, emotional or just physical exhaustion, I don’t want to deny what I am feeling or brush it away. I think, in fact, that days like these happen whenever my sensitivity becomes heightened for whatever reason. It is not that I am feeling different things, I’m just feeling everything I usually feel but more keenly and with more urgency.

So, I will try to list what I felt today, without analysing, judging, censoring or explaining it. Slight irritation and disappointment at the start of the new week. Anxiety for my kids. Lack of motivation. Overwhelming feeling of disconnect at work. Sadness and frustration. Even more keen feeling of disconnect from the people I work with. Desire to leave and lack of desire to be anywhere else.

This was my day. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad either. There will be other days. One day I’ll try therapy to understand what is happening to me on these days, or rather what is happening to me every day. Maybe the answer is simply everything. White supremacy, capitalism, death, crisis. It is happening to everyone, only I can afford to feel it on certain days. Maybe.

On days like these I like to imagine myself home. I know that when I was home there was a hell lot of things that annoyed me. I know that home now is nothing like I remember it. Still, I indulge in these one part memories, nine part fantasies. Funnily enough, I have vivid memories of some repeating activities without actually remembering why I was doing them. Like, I remember regularly going to Glavposhtamt. Why? Did I go to pay bills? To send letters? To whom? I remember mostly being alone and recognise with some surprise and sadness that this is the persistent pattern of my life. Imposed separation from my father in my teen years. Living far away from my family in may twenties. Feeling alone now, disconnected from my bloodline and my culture. It’s harder than I thought it would be. I’ll have a lot to discuss when one day I finally decide to try therapy.