Monday, I feel wiped out and ready to sleep by 6pm.

I used to look forward to mondays. I used to anticipate the thrill of returning to my work, of doing my work and doing it well. I remember it like from a different live, a different me.

I still love my work, but only those parts of it where I can be myself, where I feel safe to show my messy, creative, uncompromising humanity. I no longer feel safe most of the time.

I have to remind myself not to display any negative emotions. Any strong emotions, for that matter. Don’t show doubt, don’t show reluctance, don’t show disagreement, don’t show disappointment, don’t show that you’re exhausted and lonely. Don’t ever say again that you don’t feel like you belong. It’s better to hide something than say it and be misunderstood.

Because I don’t know how to hide my emotions selectively, I hide all of them. Joy, enthusiasm, burst of wild creativity, wonder, joy. Of all these, I miss joy so much. I have to remind myself to nod in agreement and smile. I don’t know if I am fooling anyone. Certainly, not myself.

The good thing about this, the really really really good thing is that I no longer see Monday as a return to reality. I am faking it for seven hours five days a week (I still produce a very good work, I just don’t love what I produce anymore). Beyond those seven hours, there is reality. There are my children, my dormant garden, my forest alive with mushrooms and mosses, my books, my friends, the voice of Margaret Renkl in my headphones.

I wish I could merge the two worlds. I wish I could brighten the grey canvas of my office with the ideas of Adrienne marée brown, Bayo Akomolafe, Blair Stonechild. I wish I could bring the intellectual awe, wonder and courage into my corporate seven hours, but I tried and I failed and I don’t believe anymore that I will succeed one day or that it’s worth trying.

So, I have a choice: I can either let the corporate seven hours extinguish my joy and my wildness, or I can protect it behind a wall, an armour or a mask. This is a hard choice, believe it or not. In my whole life, the only thing I’ve never been good at (besides singing and some sports) is being fake. But I will learn. I am a very good learner.