I don’t remember ever feeling so lost, lonely and disconnected at the start of a working year. I can only list the symptoms, without trying to analyze and understand them. On this first “back to office” day I felt: indifferent, discouraged, misunderstood, frustrated, resigned, “just push through it”, happy to realize it’s 12pm and I can take a break, even more indifferent, detached, “just leave me alone,” “why did I even bother to say anything,” and honestly genuinely scared of the prospect of going to the office tomorrow and facing all the small talk, how are you’s and unmitigated enthusiasm of the people who delude themselves into thinking that the new year somehow means a clean slate. I guess I should add “mean” to my list of symptoms. I don’t know if it’s a burn-out, a midlife crisis, a late-onset neurodivergence (is that even a thing?) or a sign of something darker, deeper and more collective. One thing I do know: I don’t want to ask for help or have to explain myself, but I do want to understand what is eating me and I need someone to get there.